Alina did stay for lunch. Ross and Mary wanted to reminisce and Alina so badly wanted to hear, she wanted to know everything about Demyan. She wanted to gather every little piece of information that she could and just take it out piece by piece and, no, she was nowhere near over him.
Soon she would be over him, Alina said to herself, but she knew she was lying.
‘He used to steal food when he first lived here,’ Mary reminisced. ‘Katia couldn’t understand where it all went then she found it stashed in his bedroom.’ Mary smiled. ‘I guess none of us have ever been truly hungry before.’
‘Were they close?’ Alina asked. ‘Demyan and his aunt?’
‘Eventually,’ Mary said. ‘She was ever so proud of him. I remember his wedding...’ Her voice trailed off. ‘It was hard, Katia had just been diagnosed.’
They spoke for hours and at the end of it Alina felt drained, just not quite drained enough to leave him behind for ever.
‘I was wondering...’ She felt awkward, standing at their door, holding onto his jacket and making such a request, but Alina knew it was her only chance. ‘Could I take a walk?’
‘Of course you can.’ Mary smiled. ‘You must miss the country, it stays in your blood.’
‘I’ll say goodbye here,’ Alina said. ‘It’s been lovely, talking.’
She walked down to the river and slipped under the tree. Yes, she could take photos and try to capture it in her art, but photos weren’t the same. She could feel it, she would remember it for ever, lying here, being made love to by him.
Alina buried her head in the silk lining of his jacket and wept till there were no tears left, wept as she never had before and hoped she never would again, because she felt so sick after.
It was just hard and a shock, such a shock that he’d sold the house.
The silk of his jacket was cool on her hot, swollen cheeks as Alina got to the gulping stage.
She parted the branches and looked over to the farmhouse where a young Demyan had once lived. The same house he’d hoped to raise his child in but Nadia had had other ideas.
Alina didn’t.
She’d dared to dream, she’d been foolish enough to let her mind wander, but this was where the dream ended.
She’d imagined them here in this house with their baby and now that too had been taken away from her.
‘We’ll find somewhere,’ Alina said to her late period and very sore breasts.
She was still too scared to confirm it.
She was, though.
She knew it.
She’d had her cry.
Alina threw the jacket on the back seat of her car.
Now she just had to get on with things.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE WORLD WASN’T KIND, Alina decided.
A kind world should surely follow certain rules.